we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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