he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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