I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
