i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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