I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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