He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize