Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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