u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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