If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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