all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize