Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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