I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The beer is more important than you right now.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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