so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
