if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize