JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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