I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
