I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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