Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We had to coat check the pizza.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
