oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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