Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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