i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
