I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
