I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize