i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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