i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
