i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
