She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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