hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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