We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
where are my eyebrows?
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