good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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