I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
