In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
