Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
