Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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