I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
