somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize