I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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