You made me cry and you don't even care
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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