Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
