Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Threesome in a minivan. New low
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
