I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
