i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
