Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
