My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
