So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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