hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
