chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
