Screwed.edu
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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