He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Randomize
