Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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