I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
