I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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