sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
