the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
