Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
