what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
