Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
