I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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