It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
