Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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