my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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