I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
