I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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