I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
