Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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